This morning my daughter realized that her “beloved” pet Hermy was dead. I can’t say he died with much dignity. She found him naked in the middle of his cage, a few inches from his old shell, and nowhere near his spare, bigger shell that we thought maybe he would switch to someday.
Funny thing about this is I just asked her yesterday how her pal Hermy was doing, and her very paused response told me that yet again she forgot all about the poor bastard. This is the same child who literally begs us every single summer to get her a new hermit crab or two when we go to Fantasy Island in LBI. Every year I cringe when my husband and daughter happily stroll into the shop to make her yearly purchase. I know how it’ll end for the little innocent creature(s) she brings home, but nobody ever listens to me…I do need to mention that we did not buy her Hermy. She conned her grandparents into it one night when they were watching her. Mama didn’t raise no dummy.
Anyway, Hermy is officially the 12th hermit crab taken down by “The Hermit Crab Slayer” (What we affectionately call our daughter.) It always starts out great. She will give him (It’s always a him for some reason) some well thought out name, take fantastic care of him for about a week, and then it’s all downhill. The other 11 that she has owned didn’t make it very far past 2 weeks…maybe a month tops. This one went the distance in our house.
Thus today marked the end for our pal Hermy. (Technically he could have been dead for about a week, and my daughter just didn’t notice, but for all intents and purposes we will just stick with today.) I salute you Hermy…you almost made it a full 6 months…key word being almost. Unfortunately almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, so you will be joining the other 11 in our hermit crab cemetery, otherwise known as the spot to the right of the rose bushes in our yard. Ya did good kid. Well, ya did better than the other 11, at least…
Anyone who knows me knows I have a sick little obsession with Obituary pictures. Is it horrible? Some people may think so, but I don’t.
The first thing I do when I open up the paper everyday is head straight for the obits. First I make sure I don’t know anyone who died…(I have to show a little decorum people!) then I take a good hard look at the pictures. More often than not, I find a winner and it makes my day.
I mean seriously, who picks some of these??? Do their families dislike them that much or is that really the best picture they could dig up that shows they world who the recently deceased really were?!?
I’ve really seen some great ones over the years:
- The guy whose family used his prison picture (jumpsuit and all)
- The lady with the wayyy too small sailor’s hat teetering on her coif
- The people who have looked like Biggie Small’s clone (I cannot believe how many times this guy has died!)
- The ladies with eyebrows drawn all the way up their forehead that always seem to look surprised.
- The people who are 98 years old but have their HS graduation picture on their obit. (Damn, you haven’t aged a bit!)
- The lady who was looking sideways out of the corner of her eye. (She is still the reigning title holder for “Most Creepy”)
-The guy with one eye.
-And my all time favorite…the guy whose family put in a pic of him with a patriotic baseball cap superimposed on his head…sideways no less. (His b-day was the 4th of July, so they decided to make it jazzy, I guess)
If they are especially awesome, I actually cut them out and keep them in my ‘funny folder’. If I’m having a bad day, I just peruse through that baby and poof, bad mood – gone! I’d really love to scan a few of the aforementioned and put them up here, but with my luck, I’d get sued.
It’s a little abnormal, I know…but it really does make my day. Over the years, I have shared this joy with a lot of my friends. At first they say things like I’m sick and that’s bad karma (blah, blah)…but guess what – it’s contagious. If they come across a good one, they always share it with me. It’s almost like a contest at this point. We all also have hysterical poses we would like used in ours (someday years and years and years from now), but that’s a whole nother blog post…
So, go ahead…think I’m sick and going straight to hell…that’s fine – but now that you’ve read this post, you’re gonna do it too.
Don’t worry, I’ll save you a seat and we can be toasty together…