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Clancy: 6 Months in Dog Time, 3 1/2 in Human Time

The Side Eye...The Look Before Disaster Strikes

When my daughter was little, everyone spoke about the “Terrible Twos”. I kept waiting for something bad to happen over the course of that year, but it never did. Three was the age that all the horror happened. She started to really “get it”, and with that she spent a fair amount of time in “time out”. Four showed up and she went back to being our lovable child, which was a good thing for everyone involved.

Over the last week or so, Clancy has suddenly been feeling his oats – which made me figure out his “human age”. He’s 6 months old in dog time, thus he is now 3 1/2 in human time…and he is acting no different than any 3 1/2 year old child I’ve ever met. If he could say “No!”, he’d be the complete package. Sigh.

In the past week, he has done the following:

* When he goes in the yard, he starts out docile and does his business. Then he makes a mad dash for the pool cover and goes berserk. (Don’t worry, it’s an Elephant cover – he can’t fall through). Anyway he thinks it is his own personal runway, especially when he knows I see him on there….and where does he stop? Right in the middle, of course…because it has some mesh there and if he hops up and down a little, some water will come through. He thinks it’s a giant water bowl and a dream come true…until I start yelling at him. I have to dash his little dream a few times a day. (I believe he thinks he’s a greyhound)

*His other great trick in the yard is smushing his nose against the ground and eating dirt. One would think we don’t feed him all day, with the way he acts. He looks like a pig searching for truffles.He loooooooves to eat dirt! I don’t get it.

*Speaking of the yard, I can have him out there for extended amounts of time…but when does he think he should poop? Somewhere in the 5 minute range of being back in the house…and right in front of the door. Whyyyyy does he do that? He must speed poop too because I can have my eyes on him the entire time, and he seems to do it in the 5 seconds I stop to look at something else. He’s like a magician.

* He has discovered that if the door to the master bath isn’t locked, that he can push the door open with his head, and make his way undetected into the back of the walk-in shower. It’s great when I’m rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, turn around, and see him happily wagging his tail enjoying the shower himself. (I believe he thinks he’s a lab.) I cringe at the thought of opening the pool because I know he is going to jump right in.

* He has discovered a million different ways to torture Rory, our 4 year old Dogue de Bordeaux. Rory can be a little grumpy when he wants to, and Clancy just waits for the tiniest chance to drive him nuts. Case in point: Clancy has to be the first one in the door so he can wait for Rory to come through – so he can do what can only be described as Ninja Slapping him in the face. Now Rory stands at the door and won’t come in unless I move Clancy aside. (My house is fun.) Clancy also uses Rory as a a springboard if he is sleeping in the hallway. Not for any specific reason, except that he can. He’s a gutsy little guy. (I believe he thinks he is Rory sized, which he isn’t…yet).

*He thinks that everyone’s shoes are fair game…especially mine. Luckily he doesn’t chew them. Rather he just likes to “move them” to a spot he thinks is better. That makes for good times when I am getting ready for work in the morning and am standing there with one shoe in my hand, wondering where the hell the other one went.

I have to tell you…I love Clancy. To me, he is the cutest little guy on Earth. I mean how could you not love this:

Look how cute I am!

…But 4 in human time cannot get here soon enough. (I believe he’s trying to make me snap.)


Clancy’s Awkward 1st Vet Visit

Before I start my actual story, I need to make an introduction…
The most beautiful little pup you’ve ever seen, shown above, is our newest addition Clancy Blue. (Not Blue like Jay-Z stupidly named his child. Blue as in his color) We brought this little bundle of wrinkles home Monday night and are 100% in love, as is our other dog Rory. Now that you’ve been properly introduced, onto the story…

I have used the same vet for years. They have about 6 vets in the practice and every single one there has been wonderful. When I called to make Clancy’s first appointment, and my favorite vet was booked, I just agreed to let him be seen by “whoever” was open. Let’s just say this will not occur again.

Apparently they hired a new vet, “Dr. M.”, and are trying to drum up some customers for her. She was officially a one shot deal with my boy. It started out normal, by her coming in and introducing herself to my daughter and I. When she laid eyes on Clancy, it went haywire…

For the first few minutes she spoke to him in what I can only describe as baby talk to Clancy, complete with a lisp she apparently thought made her tone even cuter…it didn’t. I thought maybe it was a little odd. It became very odd when not only did she continue to speak to him that way for the entire visit, but would also answer for him in that same talk, but slightly changing her voice to make it more nasal.

Here is a snippet of what my daughter and I had to awkwardly listen to for about 20 minutes. Try to read this in the most ridiculous baby voice EVER so you get the full effect:(Don’t forget the fake lisp!)
Vet: Ooooh Sir Clancy, I have to give you shots!
Clancy:(As stated by Dr. M.): Shots? I don’t know what that is, but it sounds scary!
Vet: It’s not scary, just a little ouchy. (Is that even a word?)
Clancy: A little ouchy doesn’t sound bad. OK.

Now picture my daughter and I incredulously looking at one another, and me sternly making the “Don’t you dare!” face at my daughter. This is where my daughter made her great escape into the hallway (with a grin over her shoulder at me) saying she couldn’t watch the puppy get shots (LIAR!), thus leaving me with Dr. Loony. Luckily she came back within about 2 minutes, semi-composed.

Not only did this woman speak to Clancy in this tone the entire time, but when she would converse with me, she used THE SAME TONE! That’s right, I was forced to have a full conversation with this nut for the entire visit in baby talk…obviously from her end, not mine. My talk was much more in the range of sarcastic-please-speak-to-me-in-a-normal-tone voice, which did nothing to change her speech pattern.

Here’s a snippet of my conversation with her:
Vet: Sir Clancy, in a few visits we will give you the zip-zip.
Clancy: Dr M, what’s a zip-zip? That sounds fun.
Vet: Zip-zip is zip-zip. You’ll be fine. Mommy will explain zip-zip, right Mommy?
Me: What?!? Are you saying zip-zip? Are you saying neuter him? He’s not getting neutered, if that’s what you’re talking about here. (Wouldn’t you think my answer would snap her into adult speak? Well it didn’t!)
Without further torturing you from having to read anymore baby talk, let’s just say she gave me the tsk-tsk for that (Mind your business lady) and told Clancy that he would “Get lucky!” someday and said his Mommy would explain that too, when he’s a little bit bigger. FYI – Mommy will not be explaining that ever because, although I’m not a trained vet, he is a dog, and breeding is an innate behavior.

The only time this woman snapped into normal speaking voice was for a 30 second span when the receptionist came into the room to ask her a question. When she was finished answering her, she snapped right into that baby tone and introduced Clancy to her…to which the receptionist rolled her eyes at me. That was hands down the best part of the visit! Proof that this woman apparently does this all day long, and they think she needs a straight jacket in a size Medium too.

My daughter’s take on it when we got outside is proof that she is 100% genetically mine, even though I distinctly remember giving birth to her:
Alyssa: Mom, I know I am only 10, but I am certain that is the craziest thing I have ever seen and that woman wins the “Creep of the Week” award. She definitely lives in her Mom’s basement and has like 10 cats. Where did she get her Vet’s license? At a pre-school? If you ever book an appointment with Dr. M again, I’m not going. You’ll be on your own!

Needless to say, I will NOT be on my own, because Clancy will not be seeing Dr. M again EVER. Clancy didn’t like her anyway. He hid behind my legs 99% of the time because he was afraid of her high pitched crazy tone. See, he fits in with our family already!

Lesson learned here: When given a choice, never answer with “Whoever”, because that’s exactly what you’re going to get…”Whoever” is officially the code word for “A person you would never willingly choose on your own.”

I just hope Clancy doesn’t have flashbacks when we go back in 2 weeks.

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