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Indoor-Water Parks…Not For Me!


I am starting to think that I need to quit my job and just become a psychic, because I have gotten damn good at predicting my day. I had yesterday nailed from the second my eyes opened, unfortunately. Well, for the most part, at least…

Yesterday was my daughter’s big Girl Scout Troop reward day…you know for selling a zillion cookies this Spring. It may have been a nice reward for the girls, but for me…not so much. I am a germ-freak, and they could not have picked a better place for me to have my skin crawl all day long than an indoor water park. Yes, that’s right, we went to an INDOOR water park on a beautiful July day, which was an hour west of the beautiful Jersey Shore that we reside at. There are 2 very nice water parks about 20 minutes from my house that are OUTDOORS, but when you are 9, an indoor park far, far away sounds so much better.

My first grand prediction was that this place was going to be mobbed with a bunch of inner city day-campers because it’s not so far from the Philadelphia area. Correcto-mundo, as the Fonz would say. To make it even better, as we were standing outside waiting to get in, a van from a teen correctional facility rolls up. Guess it was reward day for them too, huh? Outstanding start, and we weren’t even through the doors yet. In all fairness, I have to say that the hundreds of day-campers and the felons on a free pass were actually quite well behaved…and even if they weren’t, I wouldn’t have noticed because I was too busy being grossed out.

My second grand prediction was that I would be grossed out. When we got inside, the place seemed pretty clean to me. In fact, the smell of cholorine was so overwhelming that it made my eyes burn a little. I was pretty happy with that, so I ventured down 2 slides and then down the lazy river a time or two. By the second time, the lazy river started packing in, and upon closer inspection, the water wasn’t nearly as sparkly clean as I thought, and there were some really hot spots, if you know what I mean. It was then that I started to itch and needed to get out immediately. I spent the next 3 or so hours scratching my legs like it was my job. If I had steel wool, I would have used that. My venturing into the water was done for the day, but my daughter’s wasn’t – so I spent the next few hours watching her happily splash around while I scratched my skin even harder…I’d have scratched hers too, if she would have let me.

With time to kill, I didn’t have much to do besides people watch, in between keeping an eye on my daughter. I saw some outstanding things like kids squatting over the jet fountains that come out of the floor, as if they were bidets. There was a slide that had some sort of “soapy foam” at the bottom for the kids to splash land in. I beg to differ on the soapy part, but whatever. Also, the lazy river got about about lazy as it could possibly get. It become a log jam…a dirty, putrid log jam.

The only thing that got me even remotely excited about this day (besides the thought of eventually getting home and taking a Silkwood shower) was the picture I saw at the entrance that beckoned me. This place had a bar!!! Yes, a bar! That picture of the frosty Pina Colada made me smile because I knew I could happily sit and sip one while my child swam in germ-laden waters and we could both be happy. When I got inside, this is what I saw:

WHY?!?!?!? Why in the name of all things right in the world would the bar be CLOSED??? Damn you management who think the bar should only be open on Friday nights! That is illogical thinking to the highest degree! Alcohol kills germs!!! If I have to be at your God-foresaken indoor petri dish of a waterpark, then your bar should not mock my life by being closed…but closed it was. So,I just sat staring at it, scratching my itchy legs in defeat.

Luckily a thunderstorm started approaching at around 3:00 (Thank you Weather-Gods) and I was able to extract my daughter from the chlorine swamp, and reason with her that I didn’t want to drive in a storm. She’s pretty sensible, and was starting to scratch her legs as well…so we were outta there.

I love my daughter, but that will be her last visit to any indoor waterpark. Outdoor ones seem so much less germy to me.Of course, when I take her to the one she loves before summer ends, I may have a different opinion…and sadly, it doesn’t have a bar.

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