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I should just bring bail money!


I know I have basically no patience in life. It’s not like that’s a revelation of any sort, but when I go out in public (like shopping) I spend a majority of my time trying to control my blood pressure and fists of death. Where the hell do these people come from and who said they should be allowed out in society without learning some basic principles of common courtesy?

For instance, today I was reminded why I always go to Shop Rite when they open at 7am, as opposed to noon when every crazy person has just left church where they have cleansed their souls of sin, only to decide to start fresh in the grocery aisles. Is it that hard to NOT leave your cart in the middle of the jam packed aisle while you saunter around comparing the price of canned vegetables?? How can you have the gaul to get mad when I try to stand there patiently waiting for you (for about 5 seconds), then decide to slightly move your cart to the left so the rest of us can get by? I do not want your items, just a little space to get away from you.

Is it really neccessary when you have four children with you to stand at the end of the aisle (blocking it, of course) and tell your children one by one exactly what they should go find? It’s like a sick scavenger hunt that the rest of us don’t appreciate. Let your four little slaves do that kind of fun stuff at home please….and yes, they are going to either come back with the wrong thing OR stand in the middle of the aisle themselves yelling “Ma! MOM! This?!?” – it’s inevitable, as are the mumbled curses you will strain to hear me saying as I try to squeeze by.

When it comes to line etiquette, I guess people haven’t heard about that whole “give me a little space” thing some of us actually employ. You do not need to jam your cart a centimeter from my ass so that I cannot even lean over to get something out of my cart or move in any direction whatsoever. Even better, do not jam your cart a centimeter from my ass and then walk away to get the one thing you forgot. Don’t act stunned when you come back and find your cart about 5 feet from where you left it, because that’s where it should be…just be glad I didn’t shove it halfway across the store!

As for you “Cashier Extraordinaire”…I know you hate your job. Nobody gets that more than me because I worked there for 2 years in college – However…I put my items on the belt in a specific order for a reason…because that is the order I wish to bag them in. What exactly strikes you to ignore what is at the front of the belt and reach five deep for an item to scan? If I wanted to bag my produce with a cleaning product, I would have placed them together in the first place…but I did not. Also, don’t look so insulted when I tell your bagger that I will do it myself. I have a method…and he or she apparently does not…at least not one that I would ever understand.

Finally, when you see me unloading a never ending myriad of bags into my car, in a semi-empty parking lot, don’t put your blinker on for my spot…especially when there are plenty of other spots to be had. I am only going to look at you, then directly at the many other spots you could park in, then move slower than I have in recent memory. I don’t care if I’m truly in a rush because I will act like I’ve got allllllll day. In the amount of time you sat there, you could have been half way through the store already and gotten a little extra exercise to boot!

Don’t even get me started on my trips to the local WalMart…I could write volumes on what goes on there. Those are other stories for other days, I suppose.

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