And So It Begins…

I thought I taught her well. I really did. However this week all of my good teaching came to a screeching halt when I purchased the hideous sneakers shown above for my daughter. They are hurting your eyes, aren’t they? Mine too.

In case you are as unaware as I was just a few days ago, these are Osiris sneakers…the sneakers everyone is wearing right now. Well everyone who’s a kid, thankfully.

I was browbeaten into buying these gems because of a deal we have made with her. If she brings home straight A’s on her report card, she can get or do something of her choosing. (Before anyone raises their eyebrows at this, we aren’t “bribing” our child to get A’s. She loves school, and the fact that we only have one child allows us to do this. If we had more, it wouldn’t occur this way, trust me.) Anyway, in the past she was wanted simple things like dinner at her favorite restaurant, a night at the movies, some arts and crafts stuff, and these little silly Squinkee toys. None of those I had a problem with. However, this time it went haywire because this is what she came up with.

As I stated, I was completely unaware of what these were just a few days ago. (I wish I was still unaware!) She came home thrilled to show us her report card, and promptly stated that she already knew what she worked for last marking period: A pair of Osiris sneakers. I should have known something was up when she emphatically stated that they were the awesome sneakers everyone was wearing, but apparently my mom radar was temporarily disconnected for a minute there, and I said “I guess so, but if they cost a mint, you’re not getting them!”. Off to the computer we went, so she could show me what they looked like and we could research where we could buy them. When the images of them came up, I hoped she was kidding…she wasn’t. I asked her what said sneakers would even match, and she said “They always match if you have the right headbead onnnn!” Sigh.

I tried everything to dissuade her from wanting these clown shoes, because like I said, I thought I had taught her well. For a 10 year old, she has always had really good taste in clothes and shoes. She loves to get dressed up, and really loves to perfectly accessorize her outfits. (She gets that from her grandmother, and I’m not complaining). She loves Kohls because she can go there with her gift cards and clean up on her purchases. So how did this happen? I believe it’s because she’s 10 and finally hit the “everyone-has-them” phase. Again, sigh.

Since a deal is a deal, I begrudgingly take her to Journeys in the mall (which I had to ask my friends where it even was) to get them. She wasn’t kidding when she proclaimed them the “it” shoe, because the store was crowded with other girls around her age clamoring for these “awesome” sneakers. Since I’m such a crowd and people person, this venture was already torturous within the first 20 seconds.

That moment was perhaps the first time in my life I have ever seen a wall full of ugly. You couldn’t miss this section of the store, because even the clamoring crowd of girls couldn’t deflect the gaudy colors on display. My eyes and head hurt just looking at them. My daughter proudly waded her way through the other girls to get front and center to make her selection. The only thing I can say is she picked the least ugly of the bunch, so I guess I was remotely proud of her for that.

I had the girl measure her foot, and in her mind having a size 8 1/2 is a double bonus because “That’s the size you wear Mom! You can even borrow them if you want!”.
#1: Not.happening.ever.
#2: Her feet really need to stop growing!
(I did teach her well though.)

The girl brings them out and they are unlaced, and the laces are like 2 feet long. I am now sweating and just want to get the hell out of there, so I just start lacing them up. It was then that I learned that I committed a huge faux-pas, as stated by my daughter’s look of shock and her stern whisper of “Mommmmmm! What are you doingggg? That’s not how you lace themmmm! I can’t try them onnnn like thatttt!” She was literally acting like all of the lights in the store just went out except for the spotlight that’s on me and my faux-pas lacing techniques, thus alerting the world to her Mom’s uncool moment. I glanced over at the Wall of Ugly and saw that they needed to be laced in the skater, box-lace style. Well, guess what? I made her try on one the uncool way and had her try the other one on without laces. There’s no way I was standing there sweating and re-lacing everything…sorry. In the end, they fit and I bought them. They were even on sale…$20 off. They should be paying me to take those hideous things, but whatever.

When we got home, she ran in the house to proudly show her father the world’s greatest sneakers, and also to lament that “Mom doesn’t even know how to lace them right!”. Of course my husband, the Savior of the House, does know how to lace them right because in the 80’s he was every bit as awesome as he is now, and he laced his sneakers that way. I try to save face by stating I wouldn’t know how to lace shoes like that because my awesome Jellies shoes from the 80’s didn’t even have laces, but as usual, no one is listening.

As usual, Daddy is the best!

So, Alyssa is officially allowed back in the Land of Coolness because she owns a pair of Osiris sneakers. I don’t foresee myself ever enjoying seeing them on her feet. My friend’s husband had a great line for her though when they bought a pair for their child. “You’re not the one wearing them!”. True, but I will be the one walking next to her when she is wearing them.

And so it begins…